apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize