you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
