so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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