I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
