Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
