I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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