...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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