We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
