that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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