I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
