can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
