You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
