Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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