the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize
