I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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