I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize