I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize