Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
