we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
