My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Your cock deserves a montage
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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