My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I will die if light touches me.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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