Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Randomize
