I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
We got so high we made milksteak
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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