the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
