i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
home. puking in laundry basket.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
