worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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