You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
