So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
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