how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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