My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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