Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
