1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
