Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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