Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I looked at my own cervix.
love makes seman taste better
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
