So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
