Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
