Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
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