your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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