he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
