The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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