just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize