We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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