thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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