wrigley field is MILF paradise
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
