just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
