i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
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