He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
