I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
