I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
