The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
