The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
