dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
