If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
