but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
