I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
