I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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