Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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