her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
