There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
