My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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